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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310537">My Pain Fits in the Palm of Your Freezing Hand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahetesta/pseuds/hannahetesta'>hannahetesta</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Curse So Dark and Lonely - Brigid Kemmerer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Frustration, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Doubt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:02:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahetesta/pseuds/hannahetesta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mild spoilers for VOW. Lia Mara worries she'll never be the queen Syhl Shallow needs, and she takes her frustration out on Grey. The solution? Have a quiet night in and cuddle while communicating what she needs emotionally from him - and from herself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grey/Lia Mara (A Curse So Dark and Lonely)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I still have a lot of feelings about these two. So have this fanfiction.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>For the first time since I met him, I’m nervous for Grey to knock on my door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since that first night he spent with me, he has been nothing but loving and gentle when we’re together...and yet I dread the moment he’ll step into my room tonight. I’ve barely touched the food Nolla Verin sent up for me, my stomach in knots and my palms slick with sweat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s already been such a long day. I had to excuse myself from a meeting with Clanna Sun due to a sudden wave of irrational panic. It was as if I were back in the throne room, my legs on fire, glass piercing my skin, my voice ragged as I screamed. I desperately tried to claw myself out of my thoughts, my forehead absorbing the chill of the stone wall in front of me. I couldn’t breathe, desperately trying to focus on something else before the memories pulled me under entirely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn’t have lasted more than ten minutes, but my energy was gone afterwards, and I’ve had no desire to do much of anything aside from retire to my room. It’s been easy to immerse myself in one of my favorite books, but as the sky grows darker, it’s becoming harder to ignore how weak I must have looked earlier, how Clanna Sun will watch me warily tomorrow morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s becoming harder to ignore what will happen once Grey arrives. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normally I look forward to undressing him and laying in his arms, but the heat that I usually feel pooling between my legs is noticeably absent as I warm my feet by the fire, the fabric of my sleeping shift slipping between my fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know exactly what he wants, because it’s what I want. Tonight, however, I know that I am unable to give him what he desires. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I once resented being invisible, but right now I wish more than anything to disappear.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are being irrational</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I think. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Surely he will understand. </span>
  </em>
  <span>This is all so new to the both of us, and I know the entire staff of the Crystal Palace is whispering about how the rightful heir spends his nights in the queen’s bed. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t deny that it needles my confidence now. Even if we do nothing but sleep, I can still picture servants and soldiers huddling together, making lewd remarks and embellishing something that should be Grey’s and mine alone to share.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps I should give them what they want. Perhaps I should steel myself for the night ahead. Perhaps…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My spine straightens as I hear knocking. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t -</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in.” My throat is dry, my voice cracking a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey opens the door, and I find myself staring when I notice he’s not wearing any armor, with the exception of the sword at his hip. His lips quirk. “Were you expecting someone else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I huff out a laugh, unable to move from my spot by the fire. “Can you blame me? It’s rare I see you with so few weapons.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to wash up before seeing you. Today felt endless.” His eyes darken for a moment, but he says nothing more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re not giving you too much trouble?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scoffs. “I am the last person your soldiers wish to be taking orders from. Most would rather see my head lopped off, I’m sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shakily get to my feet and walk over to him, taking his hand. “Are you feeling alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kisses my fingertips, never breaking eye contact and making my heart beat faster. “Much better, now that I’m here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls me to him, my head against his chest and my arms encircling his waist. He presses his cheek into my hair, gently stroking his hand up and down my back. I close my eyes, breathing him in; he smells of leather and shea butter and something I can’t quite pin down but is so distinctly </span>
  <em>
    <span>Grey</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His fingers tilt my chin up, his thumb brushing my jaw. “Being with you is my favorite part of the day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I raise my eyebrows, feigning surprise. “Even more than swordplay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Swordplay does not allow me to do this.” He leans closer, kissing me softly. “I am finding I’d much rather spend my time in your company.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am honored to know I am slightly more enjoyable, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cups my cheek, whispering against my lips. “Much more enjoyable.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gives me no time to respond before he’s kissing me again, my fingers pressing into his shoulders and pulling him closer. Grey always holds my back the way he did last summer on the veranda, as if I’m something delicate, the warmth of his hands seeping through the thin fabric of my shift. It’s all that’s keeping me upright, the rest of me melting against him, always close but never close enough.</span>
</p><p><span>The feel of his tongue running against my lips makes me freeze, my hands tightening into fists. Grey pulls back slightly, frowning, but I don’t want him to worry. I give him a smile and a quick kiss before tucking my forehead in the crook of his neck. He ducks his head to kiss my cheek, my jaw, my neck, slowly making his way to my collarbone. I try to stay relaxed, but then he gently tugs at my sleeve to kiss the bare skin of my shoulder, and I know where this is heading and panic seizes my heart and </span><em><span>I</span></em> <em><span>can’t do this</span></em><span>.</span></p><p>
  <span>I pull away, trying to catch my breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lia Mara?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” I can’t meet his eyes as I tug the sleeve back into place. “I promise I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nod, stepping out of his hold, my shoulders tense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did something happen today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not.” I exhale, trying to smile. “I just need a moment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence spreads between us, and it makes the back of my neck prickle with heat in the most uncomfortable way. I’m bunching my hands into my skirts and looking everywhere but at Grey, thoughts racing again. I think he’s about to say something, but my eyes land on my dinner, still barely touched, and I almost sigh in relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you hungry? I still have plenty of food left.” My voice sounds high and strange in my ears. “It’s chicken, I know that’s not your favorite, but there’s also a vegetable stew, if you want that instead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I see him nod out of my peripheral vision. “If you’re sure. Have you not eaten yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t hungry earlier,” I say, sitting down. “But I am now.” I take big bites of chicken and chew thoroughly, ensuring I can’t answer him if he asks anything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I feel his eyes on me as he sits, politely taking some stew. “Lia Mara -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shake my head, pointing to my mouth as I chew. His frown deepens, but he doesn’t push, and we’re once again plunged into silence. The food has mostly gone cold, and I know I can easily send for something hot and freshly prepared, but I make myself eat what’s in front of me. Everyone is already on edge, and I don’t want to make things harder for any of the kitchen staff.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re already making things hard for everyone else.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Pressure starts to build behind my eyes, unbidden. I cannot cry, not now, not in front of him, not in front of anyone. I’ve already embarrassed myself enough for one day. A queen does not show vulnerability of any kind. A sob catches in my throat when I imagine those words being spoken by my mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lia Mara…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cough. “I’m fine. I just…” I down half my glass of water, taking deep breaths. “I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He says nothing, but he doesn’t take his eyes off me, and that’s somehow even worse. I pick apart a chunk of bread, rolling small pieces between my fingers. I feel restless, but I don’t dare move from my chair, caught between making this tenseness go away and waiting for it to dissipate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s on your mind?” Grey’s voice is so quiet, I barely hear him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A better question is what </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “I’m not sure. Quite a bit, I suppose.” I shrug. “You understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Indeed. There are days where it seems I have no time to gather my thoughts.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “I look forward to our time together because it allows for a bit of reprieve. You remind me to slow down and simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A small smile finds my face, my heart fluttering at his words. I want to tell him he does the same for me, but the looks I’ve gotten from nearly everyone in Syhl Shallow make me bite my tongue. I should be doing this on my own. I should be a strong, confident queen who does not need a man to rule at her side. I should be formidable enough to not need any sort of solace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are many things I should be that I am not, that I can never hope to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a wonder someone hasn’t succeeded in murdering you sooner.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes fill with tears again, but I hold them back, my nails digging into my palms. I will not cry in front of him; it’s what I always seem to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey reaches across the table, his fingers barely brushing my hand. “You know you can talk to me if something is bothering -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I push back, my chair making a sharp scraping noise against the floor, the momentum nearly making it topple over. My jaw is clenched as I stare down at him. “I. Said. I’m. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I am done talking about this with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes have widened slightly, but they slowly narrow the longer I stare at him. I shake my head and walk to my window, arms folded and shoulders tense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I only wish to help, Lia Mara.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not a damsel,” I snap. “I will let you know if I am in need of your help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have never called you a damsel, nor do I see you as one,” he says, his words sharp. “You are perfectly capable, but if something has happened, I’d like to be here for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to protect me, as if I’m a heroine in one of my romance stories. The ones written by Emberfall writers often have the women in peril, too dependent to take care of things on their own. Underneath his words, is that what he thinks of me? A child who cannot go a day without jumping at her own shadow?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing has happened,” I say, my teeth clenched. “Please drop the subject or leave. I will not tell you again, Grey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stays silent, but I can see him moving toward me in the reflection of the window. He has the sense to stay a few feet back, and I want him to move closer, but I stay rigid, tracing the pattern of the sill with my eyes. This is what he wants, isn’t it? For me to turn around and fling myself into his arms, to apologize for being so stubborn, to lead him to the bed and spend the evening twisted in the sheets? To be obedient and serving, like everyone suspects me to be?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I let out a long exhale through my nose. I keep breathing slowly, allowing my anger to diminish. I can’t keep using my own self-doubt to lash out. That’s not fair to him...and it’s certainly not fair to me, either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you wish me to leave, then?” he finally asks. His voice is devoid of emotion, the question simple and straightforward. No underlying meaning. He will do as I ask of him, because that’s who he is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My shoulders sag. “No. I don’t.” I hate how small I sound, feeble and helpless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you need from me, Lia Mara?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need…” I take a deep breath, my words coming in a rush. “I don’t want to spend the night in bed.” My words hang in the air, and I turn around, steeling myself for him to protest. “I was wrong when I said I could handle the rumors. I don’t...I don’t want that to be all there is for us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s watching me, his eyes soft. “We can do whatever you’d like tonight.” He gives me a wry smile. “I was going to suggest the same thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That floors me. I blink before I tug my shoulder free, giving him a look. “You seemed intent on suggesting </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right. I shouldn’t have assumed it was what you wanted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why did you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It makes you happy. And I want to keep making you happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I let out a short, surprised laugh. “I don’t want you doing that at the expense of your own happiness, Grey. Your consent is important to me, just as mine is important to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods, the tips of his ears red. “Forgive me for not thinking clearly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sweet...and incredibly thickheaded.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I’ve been told.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I giggle. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fell siralla</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fell siralla</span>
  </em>
  <span>, indeed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I step forward, brushing his hair from his forehead. “I will forgive you...if you can forgive me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forgive you?” he repeats. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was incredibly short with you, Grey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugs. “You’re clearly upset about something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I raise my eyebrows. “There are better ways to express my feelings. I would rather spare those I love from getting hurt, not when they deserve my best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey takes my hands, kissing my knuckles. “You know I accept you, at your best </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>your worst.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to do better, Grey. Just as you would want to, if you were in my place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leans forward, our foreheads pressed together. “When did you become so wise, my lady?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have always been wise.” I kiss his nose. “You were clearly not paying attention.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I make it up to you, somehow?” he asks. “Whatever you need tonight, I will do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I spend a moment considering his words. What do I need from him, and what do I need for my own well being? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to lie down and relax...and I would like to talk about what happened today.” I say it with conviction. “And I want you to join me.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Are you comfortable?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grey, you’ve asked me that twice now.” I squeeze his hand. “This is perfect, I promise you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We’re lying under one of my down feather blankets, my head on Grey’s shoulder, sipping from a cup of chamomile tea that I sent for a few minutes ago. We’ve been mostly quiet, and for a moment I suspect Grey may be hesitant to broach any topic with me, and I certainly don’t blame him. Or, more likely, he’s waiting for me to initiate, giving me the space I need to talk and feel safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had an anxiety attack today,” I say quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks at me, brow furrowed. “An anxiety attack?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what Noah calls it. I thought I might be falling ill with something because my skin felt clammy and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.” I look down at the steam rising from my mug, my fingers tightening around the porcelain. “I was thinking about the girl in the throne room again. It got to be too much and I had to take a few minutes to calm down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m tired. Noah said it’s normal to be exhausted, because my body went through so much emotional stress in such a short amount of time. I haven’t been able to focus on much else today, so I retired early.” I smile ruefully. “Clanna Sun was not happy about that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clanna Sun should show a bit more compassion,” Grey says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I glance up at him. “She means well. It’s important that I remain fearless, even in the wake of…” I swallow. “I will not worry my people, not when we’re on the brink of war. They need a queen who will not flinch in the face of danger.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey is idly playing with my hair, his lips pressed against the crown of my head. “You should not neglect how you are feeling about all of this, Lia Mara. You have shown before that there is strength in your honesty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I cannot risk appearing weak,” I say, my voice wavering. “They already compare me unfavorably to my mother and to Nolla Verin. This will just give them more reason to doubt me.” I sigh, too tired to fight the tears once again threatening to fall. “I’m scared, Grey. I wish I weren’t. I wish I could be braver than this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We sit in silence, the only sound coming from the fire in the hearth across the room. I nurse my tea, trying to covertly dab at my eyes in between sips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What you did in the tavern the other day was not weak,” Grey says after a minute. “You could have had that girl reprimanded, and it would have been done in seconds.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was not her fault I startled her. She was doing her job, and I made a mistake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it would have been different if it had been your mother. Or your sister.” He shifts a little so that he’s on his side, his face a few inches from mine. “You are not afraid to admit when you are wrong. You do what you know is right, and you look for solutions that do not cost the lives of your people.” The backs of his knuckles trail down my cheek. “Being honest with yourself and with your people is its own kind of brave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I let his words sink in, feeling my skin grow warm at his touch. “When did you become so wise, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fell vale</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks at the ceiling before shrugging. “I must have learned it from you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This makes me blush harder, and I fight the smile that’s spreading across my face. “What would you say to touring Syhl Shallow when the war is over? I know that was something we both wanted to do at some point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I say that’s a good idea. We can bring the entire army with us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grey.” I set my tea down and wrinkle my nose. “I’m being serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sets his jaw, his eyes growing dark. “So am I.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need an entire army to keep me safe from assassination attempts.” I move closer to him, our noses touching. “We can bring a few soldiers, but I won’t make it into a military parade.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey’s voice is low as he takes my hands in his. “I want you to feel safe. If you’re worried about what people will think -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m more concerned about what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>will think. I might be scared, but I will not be intimidated. We can be smart about this without overdoing it. I want us to meet my people, and I want to do it on my own terms.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey leans forward to kiss my forehead. “As I said. I must have learned from your wisdom, </span>
  <em>
    <span>faer galant</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I feel my cheeks flood with warmth again, and I press my face into one of my pillows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t hide from me,” Grey teases. “I enjoy making you flustered.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I must be positively red,” I say, my voice muffled slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s more of a pink glow, if that helps.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I lightly shove his shoulder, peeking out from beneath my hair. “You are far too good at this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gives me a wide smile. “I consider it one of my greatest feats.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I groan, burying my face again, but I feel Grey’s hands at my sides, his fingers dancing across my stomach and hips, and I start to laugh. “Grey, no!” I wiggle away from him, but he follows me, and soon we’ve collapsed in a heap of pillows and limbs and I’m trying to catch my breath because there are tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once we’ve settled down, we situate ourselves back under the blanket, still grinning at each other. I bring his forehead to mine and breathe in, feeling completely relaxed for the first time since this morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look radiant,” Grey whispers, kissing me. I hold fast to the front of his tunic when he begins to pull away, smiling against his mouth when he grunts in surprise. “You’re feeling better, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nod. “I am. Thank you for always listening when I need you to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will always do what I can for you, my love. I give you my word.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I give you mine, to do the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He winds a lock of hair around his finger. “You really do know all the ways to make me yield. What am I to do with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes light on my desk, at one of my open books. “I can tell you about the fairy tales I’ve been reading, if you’d like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The way your eyes light up when you describe what you read? How can I say no?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I would subject you to it, either way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grey gives me a wry smile. “It’s a good thing I enjoy your company, then, isn’t it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I roll my eyes, taking his face in my hands and kissing him soundly. “It’s a good thing I enjoy </span>
  <em>
    <span>yours</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
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